So the Ultrarunning community continues its debate. Is
the Barkley a REAL 100 mile trail race, or is it not? Well, here is the true question. If
you are afraid to even try the Barkley, are you a REAL trail runner, or are you not?
No, there won’t be any haute cuisine aid stations with worshipful staff to tend
your every need. The only massage will be the course massaging the life from your pitiful
human body. There will be no chalk line to direct your sorry citified self thru the woods.
There will be no meter spaced glow sticks to keep you from being afraid of the dark. There
will be no pacers to carry you to a pseudo finish. No, I regret to inform you that, in
order to finish the Barkley Marathons, you will have to provide all the ability,
all the conditioning, all the knowledge, all the determination, and (most of all) all the
superior male externalized genitalia necessary to complete a REAL trail 100 miler.
So if you don’t have the gonads to look failure squarely in the face (and to
meekly succumb), then keep on telling yourself that "it ain’t a REAL race
anyway". It works out best for everyone. You don’t want to admit that you
aren’t big enough to face this 100 miler on your own. And we don’t want you
buried here.
The Terrible Truth:
Race Date: early April. The exact date will be sent upon confirmation of
your entry.
Distance: REAL MEN-100 miles, Women, children, and weaklings-60 miles
(Fun Run)
Time Limit: 60 hours for the Mens division, 40 hours for the Fun Run
Net Climb: None - (50,000’-50,000’=0’)
Historical Finish Rate: 100 Miles- 0.25% Fun Run-12%
Course Records: 100 mile- Garth Brooks’ "I am So Great it
Amazes Me" (59:28, Mark Williams) Fun Run- Bing Crosby’s "Christmas in
Hell" (23:49, David Horton)
Aid: Water every 6-8 miles (convert that to hours at course record
paces...) NO PACERS
Clothing: There could be briers.
Weather Conditions: Based on previous events, it could be anywhere from 0
to 80 F. It may rain, snow, sleet, hail, or even be sunny. Or it could be all of the above
in one race.
Location: Frozen Head State Park, TN: Do not ask for directions. If you
cannot find the park by yourself, then you have no business "Out There".
Course Markings: The course will be marked ON YOUR MAP.
Shortcuts: It is not legal to take shortcuts. It is highly illegal to cut
switchbacks. SHORTCUTS ARE CHEATING. You will be
disqualified.
Entry Limit: We are limited to 25. History says we will fill early, but
there will be a waiting list for vacated slots. Entry opens 12/26/99.
Application Fee: $1.55 and an essay on "Why I Should be
Allowed to RUN the Barkley"
Entry Fee: First time runners must produce a license plate from their
home state. Veterans must pay a long sleeve, white, cotton dress shirt (17 ½ or 18, 35 or
36).
Tapped Out: WHEN you quit, you are subject to having Taps played to
announce your humiliation to all. Please do not punch, kick, choke, strangle, throw rocks,
or otherwise assault the Bugler. You are the weakling who quit, not him.
Pre-Race Meal: I am too broke to provide chicken this year. But we will
all be at the campground on Friday, and the pre-Barkley is not something to miss. It may
be the last fun you have during the event.
Course Rules: No litter. No personal markings. No Cutting trees or
bushes, dead or alive. We are so fortunate to have access to PRIVATE PROPERTY, and
WILDERNESS AREAS.
We have been specifically requested to leave NO SIGN OF OUR PASSING. This event exists
by a miracle. Please do not endanger it for selfish reasons.
Race Application
Top 25 Most Frequently asked Barkley Questions
Do you think the selection process is fair? NO.
What are the trails like? Some of them are your basic candy-ass sissy trails. Others
may not have been maintained for 60 years or more. A few of the trails have been blazed by
the flesh and blood of previous Barkley runners. It is possible that you will have to deal
with blow-downs, briers, unbridged streams, ice, loose rocks, mud, poor footing, and any
other imaginable obstacle.
What is a Barkley? It is a scruffy, unkempt, hard-assed chicken farmer, who grew up
so far out in the boondocks that he still thinks "the net" is what you use to
catch "the fish".
What if they have to send Search and Rescue to get me? Any runner who requires a
Search, and/or Rescue effort will be billed for the full cost of the operation.
How about Drop Bags? If you will put all the desired supplies in a bag, and place it
in the trunk of your car, we promise it will be waiting for you every 20 miles.
Do you think the Time Limits are fair? NO.
How do the time limits work? After the start, the runner has 13:20 to begin the
second lap, and another 13:20 (total 26:40) to start the third. Anyone wishing to continue
beyond the fun run must be started on loop 4 before 36:00 (12 hours per 20 mile loop), and
loop 5 before 48:00. Runners must check in at the completion of a lap (before the limits,
if the lap is to count), and must check out before starting the next lap.
If you don’t weigh our brains at the aid stations, then how will you know whether
we are fit to continue? Runners agree to demonstrate that they are adequately prepared
for each loop, i.e. "where is your rain gear", "where is your light",
etc. Also, runners who are not able to respond coherently, or control their bodily
functions are subject to being pulled. Either Park Personnel, or Race Personnel, are
authorized to terminate a runner if they feel he is not fit to continue, but the responsibility
for determining when a runner should stop is solely that of the runner.
If I have to take a dump, what will I wipe with? REAL men use green Pine Cones.
Does the Race have a Race Doctor? Yes, and you know who it is. (Starts with the
letter K)
So, can we really expect medical care? NO.
What is the worst recorded result in the race? 56 hours for 4 miles. Altho 30 +
runners have failed to reach the 2 mile mark at all.
What is that tiny little thing in my shorts after the race? We don’t want to
say, but you can get an implant to fix it back like it was.
What is the deal with the "books"? On the course, checkpoints consist of
paperback books set out at designated locations. Each runner must collect one page from
each book, and turn them in at the end of each loop. Failure to have a full set of pages
will disqualify that loop.
Would you really not count a loop just because I lost ONE page?? Yes, and we have
done it before even tho we knew the runner had done the full loop.
Do you think that was fair? NO.
Do you make any effort to be fair? NO.
Why do so few people finish? Because the others all quit.
When do most of them quit? As soon as they think of a plausible excuse. The further
they go, the more excuses sound plausible.
Why do some of the runners who have been there say it isn’t so bad? Because
they weren’t "Out There" very long. (see question 12)
Has the course been changed since the one finisher? NO.
Is it true that it can be changed without notice? No, we will tell you at check in.
Does speed really kill? There is no certainty to that. But, of the 5 sub 7 hour 100k
runners who have been here, none have ever completed a fun-run. Something such scorchers
as Suzi Shearer Thibeault, Kawika Spalding, and Nancy Hamilton have done.
What about bad weather? It is true that heavy rains, freezing cold, dense fog, snow,
sleet, or ice can all make the 100 miler impossible. But thus go the fortunes of war.
Do you think that is fair? NO.
It is pretty cool when you tap out the other runners, but I really wish you
wouldn’t do it to me?? But, all the other runners think it is so cool when we tap you
out.
Do you actually not want anyone to finish? Oh, no. I will be rooting for each and
every one of you. And when a particularly gallant effort collapses into despair and
disaster, I will feel your pain. It makes me sad to see grown men, legendary running
figures, lie face down in the dirt and weep like small children.
Is the course Y2K compliant? A team of programmers has been working on this for
months. We promise there will still be No food, No power, insufficient water, insufficient
time, and all the other non-perks the runners have come to not expect.
Wasn’t this the top 25 most frequently asked questions? Always expect a
little more from the Barkley than you planned for.
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