There Is No Hope

Do you really want to meet the coward that hides inside? Do you really want to reveal the shivering, frightenend, pitiable loser underneath your veneer of macho-runner? Do you really think that YOU have the ferric ovoids necessary to achieve even a respectable failure? Because FAILURE is what is waiting for you here. Sure you have seen those guys strutting their Barkely shirt at other races, and you have thought to yourself, "Hey, I'm as good as he is" Did you ever think to ask just how they did? No, of course not, if you were that bright you would have thrown this down on the ground as soon as you saw what is was, and run away screaming. While, I'll tell you how they did... They failed. They quit, They make up hollow, empty excuses, and slunk away, tails between their legs, in ignominious defeat. And the same thing will happen to you.

Over the past 13 years, there have been 339 attempts at the Barkley 100. There has been exactly ONE finisher. And we have little expectation of witnessing any sudden increase in that number during the year 14. If you have rudimentary math skills, you may believe that this indicates that you have less than 3 tenths of a percent chance of finishing. Don't deceive yourself, your chances are a lot smaller than that.

Date: April 3-5, 1999

Starting Time: A closely guarded secret, announced one hour in advance

Time Limit: 40 hours for the 60 miles Fun Run. 60 hours for the real race.

Location: Frozen Head State Natural Area. Don't ask directions. If you can't even find the park by yourself, then you have no business being "out there."

Aid: Water at 5 to 8 miles intervals, crew/vehicle access every 20 miles (8-12 hours) Entrants must carry all other requirements. No other on course aid, NO PACERS. This race is for REAL men.

Course Markings: This course will be marked ON YOUR MAP. If you are not able to use a contour map and a compass, then you will be screwed. IF your plan is to parasitize (follow) the COMPETENT runners, be aware that they will lose your freeloading ass at the first opportunity (and laugh about it for years to come).

Shortcuts: Short cuts are CHEATING. Whether you are skipping between sections, or cutting thru switch-backs, or whatever. SHORTCUTTING IS CHEATING.

Entry Limit: We are limited to 35 runners. As has been the past history of this event, we expect to turn away more runners than we accept. First priority goes to veterans. Second priority is thru our federally mandated affirmative action program Lowest priority goes to Soccer fans, who are accepted only after all other primates have slots.

Application Fee: $1.55 and an Essay on "Why I should be allowed to run the Barkley"

Entry Fee: First time runner must produce a license plate from their home state. Veterans must pay a long sleeve, white, cotton dress shirt (17 1/2 or 18, 35 or 36).

Tapped Out; WHEN you quit, you are subject to having Taps played to announce your humiliation to all. Please do not punch, kick, choke, strangle, throw rocks, or other wise assault the Bugler. You are the weakling who quit, not him.

Elevation Change: Zero!!! (+57,000' -57,000' = 0)

Weather conditions: Expect temperatures between ZERO and 85F. Rain, snow, sleet, hail, high winds....

Pre-Race: Our famous BBQ chicken feast is on Friday. You have never eaten anything like this before.

Clothing: Any body parts you wish to keep had better be covered.

Requirements: NO women, they are too soft. NO children, they are too small. NO Californians, this race is NOT cool, NO Yankees, we don't want them buried here. NO Marines, green blood harms the wild flowers. NO SEALS, it is embarrassing to send women out to save them. NO Soccer fans, soccer sucks. NO Wimps, Worms, Slugs, or Weenies, they don't got what it takes. And, Most of All, NO Razorbacks, they keep dropping the ball when the game is already won!!